The Codependent Ponies Gruff
by A total hindrance to work
Summary: The equine-ified politically correct rendition of The Billy Goats Gruff.


Once on a lovely mountainside lived three equids who were related as siblings. Their name was Gruff, although for the sake of the lower but still equally important social classes of their empire they went by Synonym Of Sun, Synonym Of Moon, and Synonym of Chemical Interactions In The Brain. Or Sos, Som, and they were a very close family. During the winter months they lived in a lush, green valley, eating grass and doing other things in a naturally equine manner. When summer came, they would travel up the mountainside to where the pasture was sweeter, (this area would later come to be known as Canterlot). This way, they did not overgraze their valley and kept their ecological hoofprint as small as possible.

To get to this pasture, the equids had to cross a bridge over a wide chasm. When the first of summer came, one equid set out to cross the bridge. This equid was the least chronologically accomplished of the siblings and thus had achieved the least superiority in size. When she reached the bridge, she lashed on her safety helmet and grasped the hoofrail. But as she began to cross, a menacing, but not indignant, growl came from beneath the bridge.

Over the railing and onto the bridge leaped a troll – hairy, dirt-accomplished, and odour-enhanced. "Yaaarrrgh!" intoned the troll. "I am the keeper of this bridge, and while equines may have the right to cross it, I'll eat any that try!"

"But why, Mr. Troll?" Spouted the equine.

"Because I'm a troll, and proud of it. I have a troll's needs, and those needs include consuming equines. so you better respect them or else."

The equid was frightened. "Certainly, sir," she stammered. "If eating me would help you become a more complete troll, nothing would please me more. But I really can't commit to that course of action without first consulting my siblings. Will you excuse me?" And the equid ran back to the valley.

Next, the middle sibling equid came up to the bridge. This equid was more chronologically advanced than the first equid and so enjoyed an advantage in size (although this did not make her a better or more deserving equid). She was about to cross the bridge when the troll stopped her.

"Nature has made me a troll," he said, "and I embrace my trollhood. Would you deny me my right to live the life of a troll as fully and effectively as I can?"

"US? WE WOULD DOTH NEVER!" exclaimed the equid proudly.

"Then stand still there while I come over and eat you up. And don't try to run away; I would take that as a personal affront. Also please use a quieter, and less archaic, tone of voice." He began to invade the equid's caprinal space.

"HOWEVER," blurted the equid, "We doth have a very close family, and it would be selfish of us to alloweth ourself to be eaten without asking their opinion. We haveth respect for their feelings, too. We wouldeth hate to thinketh that our absence would causeth them any emotional stress, if we hadnot first..."

"Go then!" screamed the troll.

"We shall rusheth back here as soon as we doth reach a consensus," the equid said, "for tis not fair to keep you in suspense."

"You're too kind," sighed the troll, and the equid ran back to the valley. As his hunger grew, the troll began to feel a real grievance towards the equids. If he didn't get to eat at least one of them, he was determined to go to the authorities.

When the third equid came to the bridge, the troll discovered that she was nearly twice the troll's size, with a large, sharp horn and hard, heavy hooves, as well massive wings. The troll felt his physical-intimidation prerogative fading fast. As fear turned his insides into jelly, the troll sank to his knees and pleaded, "Oh please, please forgive me! I was using you and your equine siblings for my own selfish ends. I don't know what drove me to it, but I've seen the error of my ways."

The equid, too, got down on what passed for knees in equids and said,"Now, now, you can't take all the blame for yourself. Our presence and supreme edibility put you in this situation. My siblings and I all feel terrible. Please, you must forgive us."

The troll began to sob. "No, no, it's all my fault. I threatened and bullied you all, just for the sake of my own survival. How selfish I was!"

But the equid would have none of this. "We were the selfish ones. We only wanted to save our own skins, and we utterly neglected your needs. Please, eat me now!"

"No," the troll said, "you must push me off this bridge for my insensitivity and selfishness."

"I'll do no such thing," said Sos "since we all tempted you in the first place. Here, have a chomp. Go ahead."

"I'm telling you," the troll insisted, standing up, "I'm the guilty one here. Now, knock me off this bridge and be quick about it!"

"Look," said the equid rearing to her full height, "no one's going to take away my blame for this, not even you, so eat me before I pop you in the nose."

"Don't play guiltier-than-thou with me, Hornhead!"

"'Hornhead'? You smelly hairball! I'll show you guilt!" And with that, they wrestled and bit and punched and kicked as each sought to don the mantle of blame.

The other equids bounded up to the bridge and sized the fight. Feeling guilty for not accepting enough of the blame, they joined the others in a whirling ball of hair, hooves, horns, wings, and teeth. But the little bridge was not built to carry such weight. It shook and swayed and finally buckled, hurling the troll and the co-dependent equids Gruff into the chasm. On their way down, they each felt relieved that they would finally get what they deserved, plus, as a bonus, a little extra guilt for the fate of the others.


End file.
